Hindsight is Twenty/Twenty

2010-02-09T17:14:00.000-08:00

my life is not my own.

2009-12-15T23:37:00.000-08:00

Words are so cheap. I very much dislike putting them on paper because it seems like they just stare back at me, laughing at my lame attempt to make them convey something in my heart. How do I then begin to communicate something, if these words I write will not perform the task I give? I don't feel like an artist with my tongue or pencil. Shall I allow only others to craft with these tools? There is a little voice inside of me that screams, "NO! Don't let them have all the fun!" There's also another voice simultaneously, equally as emphatic, which says, "Yes, but allow Jesus to write a poem with your life. He is the Artist and you the art."

2009-11-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

just a thought, but i think that the cross happened to show me that i can't do it all on my own.

Speed.

2009-10-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

shoot.
life keeps on happening, regardless of how often or loudly i tell it to slow down.
relationships. work. school. schoolwork. i need to slow down. take a chill pill. can someone tell my brain to follow suit? can my life become slightly less intense? can i drop one or two things please?
i need jesus, that's it. period. my life is too much for me to handle alone. these thoughts are choppy, like my brain waves.
do we ask for this craziness in our speed-consumed culture, and then wonder why our lives don't smooth out? in our world of drive thru windows and atm machines are we actually the product of something we don't want?

take my life, and let it be consecrated, Lord, to thee.

Not enough...

2009-07-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of a hard time with the English language, but not because I haven't spent enough time speaking it. I sometimes feel as though there aren't words to describe certain feelings. Like when I see something remarkable in creation or feel a sense of awe towards God, I may use the same word to express a feeling as when I see hear about a good grade someone received or a nice car.
This frustrates me.
Some languages have certain words reserved for honor, for greatness.
Maybe I should learn to keep some words sacred.

Thoughts?

2009-07-17T22:10:00.002-07:00

Ever think about how amazing it was that King David chose the wrath of God over the other consequences offered to him in 2nd Samuel 24? David had sinned by numbering his fighting men and then Gad, the prophet, came and gave him 3 choices: Famine, fighting, or plague.
David's answer is amazing, "I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into the hands of men."
Wow.

summer is happening

2009-07-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

books.
work.
time to think.
Jesus.
camp.
thailand.
new roommate.
rest.
sweet map.
old friends.
new friends.
thai food.
asian friends.
newman's own lemonade.

Close to home Cont.

2009-04-08T16:54:00.000-07:00

I purchased a copy of Street Roots, which I just noticed is dated February 20th, and I laughed.
My best roommate and I went to Powell's on Burnside to do some homework and I saw a man selling it. So, in view of my last post, decided to buy a copy. If you've not had the time to read the real article let me tell you this: a paper costs $1 and the salesperson only has to pay 25 cents back to the company so it seems like a great way for a person to make money if he or she wishes. Although I don't know what it's like to be homeless, this job certainly seems like something I'd prefer doing over holding a sign. The topics found in the paper cover a wide range and all of the issues relate to what we're seeing in our City today. Sweet.
Next time you're at Powell's look for the guy holding a stack of these papers and buy one; you'll like it.

Close to home.

2009-04-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

Heard of Relevant Magazine? It comes once every two months but I happened to check out the web site and came across an article titled Street Roots: The Voice of the Homeless. It caught my eye because it talks about Portland and our very own Powell's; more importantly, the man selling newspapers outside the door.
Check it out.

retrospect.

2009-03-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

spring break turned out to be what i needed, thankfully. i only really accomplished one of the things on my list: sleep. i read about a chapter of schaeffer, had some good bible study (luke 8.16-18), got some homework done, but didn't get a chance to talk with Anna. however i did hang out with a couple individuals that i love: Abby and Mary Anne.
i've been feeling a little discouraged lately about my bus route because it has seemed like none of the kids come anymore... this week was beautiful because although only one girl came, the Straw family drove themselves to the 11am service. the parents are really good parents and it was awesome to see them come.
i appreciate how God brings us through seasons to prove again and again that He is enough. my life can get so wrapped up in agenda and the minute details that i forget that unless He is in those details it is worthless.
one of my favorite things is watching people be set free... its beautiful.

Ahh...

2009-03-18T18:13:00.000-07:00

It's here, finally. Spring break. I'm smiling as I write this because I'm excited to be able to rest a little. I will be working about 30 hours this week but I have some goals:

1. Sleep

2. Finish How Then Should We Live by Francis Schaefer
3. Bust out a fair amount of homework
4. Have a phone conversation with my sister Anna
5. Spend some time in Bible study I haven't gotten to

Anything I should add to this list?

i see you.

2009-03-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

there are so many people around who are living their lives in seeming contrast to the rest of us here in portland. i see them. i hear them crying out, "notice me, notice me."

there are so many reasons for this pain, but chief is the breakdown of the family and the lack of fathers.

oh that we would rise up and be the church who notices.

2009-02-18T14:25:00.000-08:00

I wonder what it was that the "God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven" heard when the Holy Spirit came?

2009-02-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

The picture above is in the Philippines and I took it when driving to a village church on the island of Bohol to preach. What great memories.

food for thought...

2008-12-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday had President Elect Obama choosing pastor and author Rick Warren to give the invocation at his inauguration January 20th. Ben Witherington has the story and his thoughts on his site http://benwitherington.blogspot.com/

Check it out.

Faithful # 2

2008-12-09T18:16:00.000-08:00

God has done it again. He has proven himself faithful.
School's first semester is over, and I am so thankful that God made a way for me to get stuff done on time. I didn't arrive at the end of the semester with backwork still to be done or the sad feeling that I could have done better. Oh the sweet feeling of accomplishment!
I'll now be working on campus with the custodial team, part time. It's really an answer to prayer... the only thing I'm struggling with is how I'll continue to work with the Stitches team and keep the relationships I've built with the families. How does he want this to work?
Icing on the cake: I got a call that someone gave an anonymous check towards my tuition today!

I'm reading the latest book by Rob Bell called Jesus Wants to Save Christians.

it blows me away...

2008-11-15T13:52:00.001-08:00

I'm just realizing that I've been here in Oregon just over five months. Craziness

sheesh...

2008-10-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

school was intense this morning...

if asked to describe the feeling i have right now, i probably would say its something along the lines of heavy or thoughtful or maybe just intense. perhaps this is what it feels like to fear God, to be in awe of Him; apologies, i'm not too sure of how to categorize what i'm thinking and feeling.
i've questioned before why the israelites wanted a mediator instead of a direct connection with God, but i'm thinking that i understand, a piece of it anyways. honestly, i wonder if i would respond differently. it seems easy for me to question their response, but on days like today i'm not so sure i would be doing anything different. not to say that all my earings would go into a pot and come out a golden calf, but today i felt the presence of God a few times and it has come close to wrecking me.

Beginnings

2008-08-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was reminded yesterday of a day almost a year ago when I was talking with a friend of mine, telling him that the books I was reading weren't making me want to dig deeper into the Word, but were actually discouraging me from searching for answers in the Bible and causing me to question things that I should've known as truth. I didn't see what obviously needed to happen... for me to stop reading them and instead focus on Scripture.
Now I'm at Bible College! Who would've thought? This place is amazing, the community incredible. I've never had or heard of Christian leaders (in the place of honor like my teachers here) who take the time to get to know each individual personally and care so much about the details of my life. I've been here almost 11 weeks already and I'm blown away by the Jesus I see at school.
Thank you Lord for bringing me here.
Tomorrow we leave for camp! I hear its the Disney Land of camp grounds... we'll see!

Letters to my former self

2008-08-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

I'm just wrapping up a book called Here's to Hindsight (Letters to My former Self), written by one young lady, a musician named Tara Leigh Cobble. I've heard mixed reviews from people around me as I've been reading it, people who've read at least a part of it, but I think I really it. I appreciate Cobble's honesty and I enjoy her writing style.
My favorite line is in the middle when she's relating how she feels so at home in a bookstore, and says she likes the religion section but says its so bipolar, so much good and yet so much crap.
I don't know if I would purchase the book, but if you can borrow it then do it.
(Ashley Harpham has a copy and I'm almost done with it.)

Just because...

2008-08-07T20:12:00.000-07:00

There are so many new faces around campus! Registration is next week and students have begun to trickle in. I can't wait to meet them all... perhaps we could all wear name tags or lanyards for the first two weeks to help the memory? It makes me thankful again that it worked out for me to move early; I feel like I've been here a while and have figured out the over-the-summer people a little bit.
Last night Freedom and I held a paint throwing party for Ashley Harpham's birthday. By night's end the three of us were covered from head to toe in a collage of 10 colors. Hopefully the pictures we took on a couple disposables will turn out so I can share them. :)

random activities in the last couple of days....

2008-07-26T11:22:00.000-07:00

So I took Lisa's bike to visit some kids from my City Kids route and when I got back to the dorm Lisa needed it to go to SafeWay. We decided to ride tandem even though it wasn't meant to be used that way. It was about a mile and a half to two miles and we were laughing the whole way...

This was actually like two weeks ago. I went with Mary Anne, Sam and Mandy to play in the water at Moulten Falls. Fun times.

Last night about 10 or so of us went out for Mary Anne's birthday to celebrate after Jason and Ellie's wedding. This is one photo from when we were at the riverfront.

Same story except at Mio Gelato. Gelato, yum.

Funny comment heard this week (at Bible study): "Judas was that guy who sold Jesus to the Romanians."

4.30AM

2008-07-21T17:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I walked up to the Butte to watch the sunrise and in the dark I saw this, minus the police car, about half way up. The picture is really dark so I don't know if you can tell what has happened but the truck evidently buried itself into the side of the Butte. It wasn't running when I walked past but I was way to freaked out to approach it so I called 911. Once the cop showed up and made sure no one was in the truck I left and walked the rest of the way up.

I really felt creeped out while waiting for the sun to fully rise so I left after taking a couple shots.

Here's a picture of the moon when I was back on campus and it was almost fully light out.

Lesson learned: Listen to the Holy Spirit and others who tell you you probably shouldn't be alone up there.
Never again.

random

2008-07-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

I found it, or rather, it was found and someone put it on my desk!
This morning I ran into Nathan Cole whom I met in Thailand and was living in another Asian country... I was picking up a key from Tom and saying a final goodbye when a guy came walking up the stairs with a little girl in his arms. I recognized him right away but he couldn't remember where he knew me from. Hopefully in the next few months I can visit some with Nate and his wife!

I do feel naked without it.

2008-07-06T18:13:00.000-07:00

There's a lot going on right now... and I lost my phone today so if you're the praying type, would you believe with me that it'll come back please?? Thanks.

Jesus and Gelato

2008-07-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

My friend Beka, whom I know from Thailand, went back to Cali this morning. She's on break from school at the Air Force base in Monterey and amazingly came here to spend a few days with me! I've been really stressed out from training to be a server since last Monday and I felt horrible for needing to study while she was here. She was really gracious though! Finally last night she and I were able to go out into downtown and just hang out. We walked around for a while and then walked into Powell's to ask about a gelato shop I'd seen before (but couldn't remember where). Then we went and ate the worlds BEST gelato, ever! I got a cone with a scoop of mango and one of hazelnut. YUM! If you're ever in Portland, go to Mio Gelato on 11th and Burnside, it's the best.
Jesus is really awesome...
He got me a good job which will pay for school.
He's brought me to a place where people love God with more than just Sunday, and brought me some really good relationships at PBC.
He has given me a good friend at work.
He is so patient with me as I remember again that He is great and will not allow my foot to stumble.

I want to live somewhere (after school) where I am challenged to meet people's physical needs (the inner city). I don't think it matters where though...

New

2008-06-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

This update goes out to my new friend Joe who bugged me to update.
Okay, so I really should be studying the food or drink menu of Olive Garden for my tests tomorrow, but I got distracted and decided to update instead. My days are getting fuller but it's still serene sometimes to realize that I actually live in Portland, Oregon now. I had 19 days to explore the City before Tom was great and hooked me up with a job at the OG (he was great before). I've seen a lot, including Mount Tabor, the scene from Rocky Butte, LaurelHurst Park, and beautiful downtown. I've eaten at HotLips Pizza, Original Taco House, the Pita Pit, Jim and Patty's, and I know that Cooper's is my all time favorite place to get coffee, read and journal (my second fav is Sip and Kranz, sitting outside and watching the kids play in the water).
I guess I have to be done now... the Mixed Drink menu is calling. I'll update more in a few days.

Sorrow

2008-05-17T16:24:00.000-07:00

Some thoughts...
The words "weep with those who weep" have become real to me again this past week. A friend's father died and when I talked with her and her family I saw what a heartache they have and it broke my heart... I hate to see people in pain.
~
Maybe I've been sheltered, but it seems like I've had a lot of these kind of things happening around me in just the past few months. Is it the age (mine) when people begin to have issues around them?
~
I also realize the deep need for community in sorrow. One cannot grieve alone. I think if the body isn't who they need to be then God cannot fully bring healing because after all, we are His hands and feet.

Reservation Number 073E48

2008-04-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

I just bought my way on the train from Chicago to St. Paul, Minnesota on June 4th. It's better this way I think, to be in the car with family for a leg of the trip, rather than to be on the train for 12 hours (mourning them).
More thoughts coming. :)

FAITHFUL

2008-03-26T14:04:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning I was chatting it up with a couple in Church that I've known forever... I used to watch their children years ago. We were talking about the transition I'm going through, the needing a job, the wanting to get involved but unsure how and where, the living with family. I asked them to let me know if they heard of any jobs available, and the husband told me that I could work for him! The job description is beautiful: great job (I get to work in jeans and a t-shirt and work with good people), great pay and great hours. Its also a seasonal position that lasts through May so I'm able to move out to Portland at the beginning of summer like I'd wanted.
Jesus never ceases to take care of me. He always comes through at the perfect time, though likely not when I would've planned. He is so faithful.

These are my two beautiful sisters and I, reunited!

2008-03-06T15:58:00.000-08:00

6 Days into it...

2008-02-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

"'Let us pray in quiet remembrance of our need for redemption.' The whole Lenten journey really is that simple, that focused, that pointed. The next forty days offer an invitation to each one of us: an invitation to do three things: to be still, to pray, to repent (which means to turn ourselves around a bit). In short, Lent is an invitation to really believe the Good News of Jesus Christ. That’s really all there is to it.
First, can you hear God saying to the whole community–to all Israel, to all the church, to you and me–be still. Shush! Be quiet. It’s only forty days! Be still and know that I am your God."

The F Word

2008-01-06T18:18:00.000-08:00

Fasting.
It's bothered me because the Bible says "when you fast" not "if you fast," indicating that it should be a normal thing in my life (its not :( ). As I've processed my thoughts aloud, people have asked what my purpose would be... normally I guess you choose something to focus on or pray about and that becomes your theme. Today, sitting in The Overflow I was reading Matthew and saw the part about the religious leaders accusing Jesus' disciples of never fasting. That led me back to Isaiah 58 which talks about what the true reason for fasting should be. It talks about feeding the hungry, giving shelter, clothing the naked, lifting yokes and breaking bondages. I love it because none of these reasons for fasting cause your action to resolve on yourself. It always brings light and life! Many times when I've heard about fasting the reasons tend to resolve on the person rather than give life outwardly. One might fast to see things clearer or for guidance. I don't think these things are bad, I just love how Isaiah makes the focus of fasting others and not me.

My friend is...

2007-12-09T20:23:00.000-08:00

worth more.
He uses her and he seems so incredibly self-centered. No car and no solid job mean that he is always relying on her generosity. There are times when he sits here in my living room, clicking away at his computer while she works in the kitchen preparing a meal for him, which is all well and good, but after eating he does not lift a finger to help in the clean-up. He has borrowed her car for months now since his was towed and that leaves her needing to find a ride every day to and from work. He seems fine with that and slow to man-up and find another vehicle. He doesn't have a solid job, working instead mostly on his music that God is going to use to reach people. (What happened to "without work, faith is dead"? OK, perhaps I twisted that a bit, but you know what I mean.)

Photos

2007-12-02T14:03:00.001-08:00

Nicole, me and Tanya at the Vietnamese place they took me Friday for dinner.

Birthday fun and surprise party... I was forced to wear the headgear.

Across the 10/40

2007-11-27T17:33:00.000-08:00

Last fall-ish when I was still in Thailand I had the chance to meet two great people... they are Jacob and Betsy, and I am more than a little envious of the travels they have had. They sold everything to go on a 10 month journey to more than 30 countries. The pictures they took are amazing.
If you have a chance go to the site and read about where they're at and look at the photos.

http://www.acrossthe1040.com/Photography.html

New Post Found Elsewhere

2007-11-18T21:29:00.000-08:00

The organization I work with has a blog and I posted on there just now... if you care to read please click here or find the link to the lower right titled "Us Urbanites".

randomness #1

2007-11-09T21:19:00.000-08:00

Right now I just feel like writing... not necessarily about any specific topic, but just because I can. I'm actually feeling quite good! I have been going way crazy this week because I have seen what is next and I get antsy when this time comes. :) All these questions in my head demanding to be answered and the new experiences experienced.
Today saw the second snow this year in St. Paul. It was beautiful. My coworker Rachel commented that someone once told her that it feels like a snow globe in Bread and Chocolate because of the big windows and I agree. Before, I was not too excited about winter here in the City but now I think I will manage...

PLEASE DECIDE FOR ME!

2007-11-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

To Go

Biblical foundation for a secular job (or any occupation for that matter)
West Coast!!
Use what I've learned here in relationships there
Out of B&C!

Not to Go

Not finished with lease
Here is home

Crystal
Krystal
Jen
Nicole
Tanya

Leaving UHW
Sheri's wedding

I can't think of anything cool to write here.

2007-11-03T19:14:00.000-07:00

Everything Must Change is Brian McLaren's newest book, and the book I've been reading. Not to ruin it or anything, but I want share a thought:
It seems like other places in the world, specifically those that are developing, have an easier time understanding and taking hold of the Jesus who has come to save us not just for eternity but to save us in today. Someone who has HIV AIDS, has to scavenge to eat, and has no shelter is more likely to actually realize his need for a Savior.
I think maybe here in the U.S. we don't need Jesus anymore.
Let me explain. Do you remember when someone first shared Jesus with you? Maybe its because I've grown up in the Church, but I've been taught that Jesus is like insurance. Belief in Him spares me from something dark and inevitable, at the end of my life.
I don't even really know what to do with this thought. How can my life be different because Jesus is active in my life right now?

Check it out

2007-10-25T20:21:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you can see how amazing this photo is, but it is. My sister Anna took it with the twin-lens (Argus Argoflex Seventyfive, made circa 1960) she bought at the Allegan County flee market for $5.

Song For My Family

2007-10-22T17:43:00.001-07:00

This is a song for my family
outside the walls of sunday
morning from some within.
This is a song to confess our sins,
lay it all out, and try to begin
again. To hope again.

Please forgive our ignorance
in looking down on you
Please forgive our selfishness
for hiding in our pews while the
world bleeds
while the world needs us
To be what we should be

This is a song for my family who
just can't believe in the Jesus that
you've seen on Sunday morning.

This is a song for the
cynical saints.
The burned out and hopeless.
The ones that we've cast away.
I feel your pain.

Please forgive the wastefulness
of all that we could be
But don't forget, there's more than
this.
Her beauty still exists.
His bride is still alive.
His bride is still alive.

This is a song for my family inside
the walls of Sunday morning.
Be what you should be.

This song was written by Michael Gungor

2007-10-20T22:18:00.000-07:00

the christmas-esque colors had to go...

On Bicycling and the Outdoors

2007-10-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

This is the second day I've had off in a row... its been beautiful. Yesterday I did absolutely nothing of any value (aside from reading) until 5pm. :) Today however, I rode my bicycle doing random errands and trying not to get too soaked by the rain that was falling, realizing again how much I enjoy being out on my bike. I do complain once in a while about not possessing a vehicle but truly I am thankful that I must ride instead. It makes me slow down and notice things; I fear that if I had a car I would find it even more difficult to take it easy and notice people.
I found a great little bookshop today, tucked downstairs in the huge building on the corner of Western and Selby, near the Cathedral. A woman who came into my work a couple weeks ago told me I should look for it because I told her how much I love books. I would recommend it.
The trees are great! I was coming down my road here in Frogtown and noticing how some of them have changed over to that red/orange and some are still in that green/brownish state. I could literally smell fall.

Clarity Shmarity

2007-10-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

I remember the days

When life was easy, carefree,

Questionless. Now all

I have are the questions,

Following me.

Taunting me,

Answers that seem

So correct

But yet not so.

I yearn for clarity.

Could it be that

Questions are

Given to grow me, given to

Carve and mold me?

Thoughts

2007-09-09T20:42:00.001-07:00

I am reading Serve God, Save the Planet by J. Matthew Sleeth. Its been an eye-opening book, a good read, and challenging. Near the end he talks about how America spends more on health-care for our dogs and cats than Africa does on her own people. I just quoted it to my room mate who is sitting nearby and her response shocked me a little and then saddened me. She said basically that she doesn't pay attention to things like that (the cry for help, for change) because there is nothing she can do about it. Why learn about all the things going wrong on the earth now? I can't do anything about it!
You NEED to know! You NEED to care! How can you be so apathetic? If we all were to have her feelings, how would anything get done? I read so that I can know about the things going on, so I can see the wrong and be an advocate for change (by praying if nothing else).
I thrive on reading...
Can someone please explain how people think this way?

Dang apathy.

2007-08-30T08:49:00.000-07:00

My thoughts seem so scattered sometimes, its kind of really annoying. :) Can I please just straighten myself out and figure out who I am and what I want?
This setting is prime for adventure... I can do just about anything I want with my life at this point. There are SO many options! Sometimes I wish that someone would just come along and tell me what to do...
I'm thinking/praying about going back overseas! The church I've gone to most during my time in MN, Upper Room, sends two people out from the congregation to live in the Congo for an entire year to work with Heal Africa.
How amazing would that be??
My job description would include: support for Heal Africa, planning short term trips for UR, and corresponding with UR about the work through updates and pictures.
I'm sure there is more involved but that's what I know for now.

hmm...

2007-08-16T14:13:00.001-07:00

"...for some who awaken to the call for healing, the weight of privilege and the weight of probable responsibility for systemic global injustices can be overwhelming. Because of this there is a temptation to believe that everything is wrong- what we buy, how we eat, where we live, the vehicles we drive. An acute sense of free- floating guilt haunts and paralyzes the person. In this state we become the worst kind of activists or moralists, motivated by shame instead of love and imagination. Our efforts at compassionate action need to go beyond mere sentimentality and translate into daily actions." (The Emerging Manifesto of Hope)

can you relate to this at all? i for sure can. at times i've found myself really frustrated with organized religion and the Church within walls and allowed myself to live believing that "everything is wrong". maybe its ok to see these faults, but i think that needs to motivate me in the other direction, toward love and action and sacrifice and vulnerability and other things that essentially produce life not death.

2007-08-10T06:33:00.000-07:00

I was just sitting looking through some of my photos and reminiscing... here are a few of them.

This is Aaron Glenn and I at Jenna Grey and John Shomler's wedding. It was a good wedding.

This one was taken in Thailand last year. I tutored these kids for almost the entire time I was there... (the other chic is my best friend, megan). This is one of the outings the family took me on; we're at the Queen's Botanical Garden. The middle brother didn't want to be in the photo.

These are some of the children in the Darien jungle. This picture was taken in 2004.

Word

2007-07-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

Did you ever think about how Jesus' words actually make sense? I know, surprise, surprise... :)
His commands: don't steal and don't kill are both things that obviously cause pain and suffering in any sense; love others like you love yourself shows respect for someone's value as a human; and turning the other cheek brings out humility and reminds us not to demean people in return. I love that His words are SO incredibly life giving! If we are honest, I can't see anyone (this includes those who don't follow Jesus) arguing with the fact that sleeping around is destructive, that its better to give than to receive, that judging others causes harm.
I love this.
I think that if I weren't a Christian I would still follow Jesus.

2007-06-22T22:54:00.000-07:00

I think probably few, if any, will read this but I guess I'm not worried. This is just Abby, getting her 1am thoughts out there. I realize that 1am is the time when my mind turns the most, likely because my body is finally at rest. So here it is...
I've just begun to read an old book by a man named Leo Tolstoy called The Kingdom of God is Within You. Tolstoy was a contemporary of Gandhi and record has it that Gandhi referred to himself as being a disciple of Tolstoy.
I know people who support the war(s), people who believe Jesus would be doing the same, but it's really hard for me to reconcile a Jesus who said to love your enemies (and turn the other cheek) with the one who goes across the world to hurt others because they hurt him. It just doesn't click with me for some reason.
A difficult thought:
"One man may not kill. If he kills a fellow-creature, he is a murderer. If two, ten, a hundred men may do so , they too are murderers. But a government or a nation may kill as many men as it chooses, and that will not be murder, but a great and noble action. Only gather the people together on a large scale, and a battle of ten thousand men becomes an innocent action. But precisely how many people must there be to make it so?- that is the question. One man cannot plunder and pillage, but a whole nation can. But precisely how many are needed to make it permissible? Why is it that one man, ten, a hundred, may not break the law of God, but a great number may?"

2007-06-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

My thoughts today?
I'm thinking to try putting a little more effort into this. I can't promise anything special but we'll see what comes out. :)
My list on Amazon has to be like a kazillion miles long. I have all these beautiful books waiting to be purchased but so far no one has come forward to fund my apatite. There's some stuff in there by Henri Nouwen, Dorothy Day, Rick McKinley, Justin Taylor, McManus, and a hand full of others. I've been told I also must read Catcher in the Rye and First They Killed My Father.

If you're looking for something to investigate today, I'd suggest typing in "cluster bomb."

2007-04-08T14:24:00.000-07:00

In closing these 40 days of Lent I am oddly left with a sense of questions as opposed to more answers. What am I supposed to take away with me from this experience? It makes no sense to make something like this part of my life only to jump right back into my old ways the minute Jesus raises to life. What is the purpose? I've learned that I don't need certain things. There are habits, patterns, that I can break and new ones that I can establish in order to become more of a whole person.
Hmmm...... habits to change? I need to eat healthier. What does this look like? Maybe instead of buying food in a box or a can I make it from scratch and I stop eating all that amazing delicious food at work, instead setting aside one day that I eat dessert there. I need to stick to my budget. Whenever I make a purchase, write it down. Figure in a meal out or a movie but don't go over what is set aside. Put my tips aside for one purpose, whether it be books or music or a road trip. I need to excersize. I might not have time every day, but I should make a routine out of doing something. I can ride my bicycle, or once I get shoes I could run.
All I come away with when thinking about it is that my life should be changed in some way. Maybe the Cross cries loudest for action, for new direction.

2007-03-20T15:31:00.000-07:00

you were right john... it took me over an hour to get home. however, i did stop for coffee at Blue Moon before getting on the bus. i also got off a few miles from my house to walk (that bus line was turning), and i stopped at the library to get a couple books about Africa (woohoo!) and to pay a fine.
the last couple of days have been off work so i've gone into UH to help with filing and stuff around the office. it's really good to be around people again... :) ones that live outside of my home.
anyone ever taken Amtrak anywhere?
it looks like i'll be riding it from St Paul to Grand Rapids, MI...solid 15 hours in the train. nice.
any book recommendations for the ride?

2007-03-17T21:02:00.001-07:00

i love jesus.

2007-03-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

read at your own risk (this goes for all logs to follow). i'm not responsible if your feelings get hurt and i also want to just say that i'm not writing to impress anyone... this is a journal so its fine if you don't agree.

today alternated between great and suck. work was fine until i dropped a girl's bank card down a slit in the juice cooler. obviously an accident. the problem was that the cooler was frozen (i know this is confusing but stay with me) so we turned it off and had to wait until it thawed to open it. thankfully that did happen about an hour later and also thankfully she works in the same building as i do. a colleague ran it over to her.

work wears me out. i really do like all the people i work with and i like seeing familiar faces each day as they come in for coffee and a muffin/scone/cookie/bar or sandwich. it just gets tiring.

i got home and my attitude went south. last night i talked with my roommate jess on the phone and we kind of decided to do something out of the house tonight because i feel like all i do is work and bum around the house. so i get home excited and what do i find? no one. no one was home for like 20 minutes and then when jess and tanya walked in from shopping they announced that they were going to a movie at 9.40.
it's great to make plans to make plans (that double phrase isn't a type-o) and then just have an option to go do what they're doing or not.
needless to say, i chose to not go with them tonight, not because i'm pouting... ok maybe i am, but mostly just because i need to breathe.

i need friends outside of this house.

i came here to live in community and to catch a glimpse of urban life and how i can be involved in it. i feel like i don't really have community with the girls in my house (then again, maybe thats absurd because i don't have a choice. we are community.) because we don't seem to click. i need other outlets, i know that for sure.